Back in March, I began to experience some heart palpitations...not just a few- a lot of them. The kind that I could feel through my whole upper body. The worst was when I would lay down to sleep. I could feel my heart jumping around.
I went to my doctor to get checked out. They did an EKG immediately in the room and caught the palpitation on the EKG relatively easily. The EKG showed my normal heart beats are not evenly spaced out and that I am getting an extra beat. This began a process of blood work that would take the next several weeks-as well as wearing a 24 hour heart monitor. The results from all of this was that I have a benign heart arrythmia, which is treatable with a beta-blocker...or I can go without medication if it does not bother me that much. My decision was to forego the medications for now...and I am working towards seeing a heart specialist rather than my family doctor ordering test from the local hospital.
What has been hard about writing this post is the fear that I have felt regarding this. When I first went to the doctor, I worried that my heart my explode- or quit working, or something terrible like that. I feared about Abbie going through life without her daddy...or Andrea without her husband. While most of those fears have subsided, for now, it's made me realize what a powerful thing fear is. I don't think I have ever been afraid like that...lying awake until 2 or 3 in the morning counting each time my heart would jump.
It's also hit me how many times that the Bible speaks about the heart. Not a physical heart- but the heart as the center of our life, our belief. Anytime I read a passage that spoke about the heart, it jumped off the page. There are a few favorites that I have prayed walking through this...
- "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." Psalm 51:10-12 (NIV)
- "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." Ezekiel 36:30 (NIV)